Fucking Perfect

I’m scared.

But not like I was last time.  This time, I’m scared of the future.

Let me explain.

I just realized today that May is very close.  About 4 months away by my count.  4 or 5 depending on how you count.  Less than half a year away.

Why is May so important?  Because that’s when my trail starts.

I say that it’s mine when in reality, it’s the trail of the man who raped me when I was 15.

For those of you that may not know, on December 10th 2002 at about 6:30 in the morning, I was attacked and raped by a stranger on my way to school.  8 long years ago, that man took something from me that I can never get back.  And I don’t mean something pithy like my virginity.  I never counted what my body did as that (in fact I was pretty sure I broke my hymen when I tried tampons for the first time.)  That was something for me to give to whoever I chose when I felt ready, and I did and it was wonderful.

No, he took something a little…harder to explain.  An innocence of sorts, though I never considered myself very innocent to begin with.  But it was from that day on that I began to become a little more snarky, a little more sarcastic, a little less trusting of the world and more aware of its very harsh realities.

About a year ago (sometime in early February) I got a call from the detective on my case (my mom preempted this with a text message) that told me that the DNA in my case had finally had a hit.  They had a match.  After 7 years they had his name and location and everything.

I freaked.

From there it was getting him arrested, getting him to court and getting the probation violation taken care of.  (He was on probation when they arrested him and apparently he was carrying drugs.  He’s not the brightest bulb in the pack.)  In July (when all the chaos of my recent life started) I testified to the Grand Jury about my attack.  I had stressed myself out so much I had become sick beforehand and lost my voice and it was still strained and cracking as I recounted my tale.  I was scared to death.

And that was the easy part.

I get to recount the same thing, in far more detail, to an actual jury starting on May 23rd.  Which means I have to miss work, and I have no idea how I’m going to pay for anything while missing work for this because I can’t not be there for this.

I need this.  I need to see this happen.  I need to finally see his face and watch him pay for what he’s put me through.

And what triggered this sudden flood of memories?  The damn sub-zero weather.

The year I was attacked was one of the coldest in Buffalo that I can remember.  I remember mom keeping me out of school regardless of the fact that it was open because even she thought that it was too damn cold and icy outside for us.  I was raped out in the open, out in the snow.  I never thought I’d feel my thighs again, it was so cold.

This weather as of late has been doing the same thing.  It’s been near or below zero for a few days and when I heard my manager and a customer talking about how kids were being kept out of school and things were closing because of the cold I just couldn’t stop the flood of memories that came out.

How am I going to do this?  How am I going to keep my current life on track when the past finally gets to be settled?  Do I work and miss this?  Or do I go broke and see closure?  Neither option sounds particularly good.

It scares the crap out of me.  All of it.  Seeing him, testifying, the work nightmare, watching him *try* to defend himself (I’m sorry, the DNA test from both me and the other girl you attacked got ran through twice and it came back to you.  You ain’t beating that.)

Can I really be that strong?  Or will I finally break?

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